“The England selectors were nervous of anyone with an attacking threat”. No, I am not talking about 21st century. This was a quote from Derek Wyatt about his one England cap in 1976 and the risk-aversion of selectors. Derek Wyatt was a superb winger who represented the Barbarians, Bedford, Bath and England. Dave Duckham (RIP) kept him out of the England team. But Derek Wyatt was also an admired Labour MP.

And so, the two unlikely worlds of rugby and the government of a nation collide. Unlike RFU grilling from DCMS for sloppy governance or open rebellion for specious law changes, all the action was on the field.

Last November, our chairman called me and asked if I would be able to “raise a team to play at 1130 on a Thursday”: urrr, No Mr Chairman. “The game will be at Twickenham, Mase”: hmmm, this might work but most of our playing talent is not English so they won’t care about Twickenham. “Oh, and one final thing, it is against the House of Lords and Commons RFC”: that’ll do it. I don’t believe in the history of Old Harrodians, Vets, or the Originals have we ever had 40 players for a game.

We had players from the following countries: Italy, Poland, Malta, Ireland, Scotland, Wales (a Principality, technically), England, New Zealand, Australia, South Africa and the exotic, northern archipelago of South Shields.

Fundraising done, players hyped, we were ready to play. Club DoR, Jack Heald, did us a solid by arriving early and preparing the changing room. Being casual players, we don’t need long to warm up. Just as well as we weren’t allowed on the pitch until 30 minutes before kick-off. Thankfully we were also warned that taking iPhones on the pitch was a healthy and safety no-no in case they were dropped and the hardened glass smashed on the lush grass. No amount of pedantry or bureaucracy was going to wipe the smile off our faces!

Anyway, like any self-respecting ex-Army officer (and future MP), Crofty totally ignored the warning and maxed out the storage on his phone taking videos of himself passing the ball (some call it passing, anyway). In fact, on this day a bunch of Baby boomers took more photos of themselves than all Gen Z’ers in the UK combined.

The first quarter saw Fred Delamain embarrass himself in front of his sons. Charlie and Max captured a video of their dad attempting a sidestep and collapsing. They paraded the video with glee – boys only a mother could love, hey Fred?

Sean Lewis set a Twickenham record for the most savage handoff ever seen at the stadium. And the most egregious, illegal ruck clear out of Lord Addington.

Northy – like any front rower who can fog a mirror should be doing – advised the referee of his misinterpretation of the lawbook.

Neil Hempsall did precisely what he should have done when faced with a two-on-one with Simon ‘Science-Fiction’ Curren outside him: totally ignore him.

Our Chairman, Rhino propped alongside his old mucker Russ. And latterly in the most Barnes-obsessed front row ever, Finchy, Mozza & Rhino – they don’t make ‘em like they used to!

Unfortunately, though, Rhino fell ill shortly after the above photo. It is believed that seeing Parliamentarians following their own rules sent him into a rare form of shock and episodic fitting. This caused him to break out into an offensive Dad dance, fused with MC Hammer-shit. Our RFU chaperone tried to distance himself as he feared yet more negative publicity. Rhino is making a strong recovery.

One of the most satisfying aspects of the whole day was observing how such a range of Barnes people took the field – the experienced and the youthful, lifers and newbies, cattle and hares, the estranged and the current. A special mention in dispatches to our Occasionals.

They – as a team – have supported the Originals in rebuilding the team post-Covid. I would have been stuffed without their help. Their skipper, Rory Hogan, took all appropriate advantage of the facilities.

All of the above were captured by the man whose talents allow us to have a photographic record of this day, Jerry Halse.

Amongst the satire and nonsense, let us remember that this opportunity came about because of the House of Lords & Commons RUFC support for the IPF. We raised over £20k for them – a huge achievement. And on the field, we did the business winning 10 - 51.

Despite the aging, malformed, disfigured bodies and uncoordinated clumsiness, we put together some excellent stuff that as a rugby player and politician Derek Wyatt would have enjoyed.

Or to put it bluntly, it's the best value for money any men’s Twickenham supporter has seen in a long time.